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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24729085">I Just Can't</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/MortalLover/pseuds/MortalLover'>MortalLover</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>PIERCE Tamora - Works, Tortall - Tamora Pierce</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 02:28:15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,411</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24729085</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/MortalLover/pseuds/MortalLover</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A short OS of Daine and Numair set just after the scene in Lady Knight where Kel witnessed Daine and Numair's reunion at Haven.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I Just Can't</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>As Numair opened the door to his quarters at Haven, the Eagle preening his hair left its perch on his cloaked arm, and rose into the air, nearly touching the rafters before descending. Just before the taloned feet touched the rough hewed wooden floorboard, they shifted.</p><p>Daine's bare form stood with her back to Numair, stretching as feathers shifted to skin, wings to arms. She was thinner. He could see every bone in her ribcage, and the bones of her pelvis protruded, accentuating how small her midsection had become. She had always been thin, but her waif like figure made his breath catch, and a stabbing pain shot across his chest. He saw a large multi-colored bruise shadowing her flank, and a gash of open bleeding flesh to her right shoulder. He stepped towards her, but suddenly his vision was blurred, and his throat felt tight, stopping him.</p><p>Daine turned at the sound of Numair's footsteps, still stretching. She pushed back the unruly smoky brown curls from her eyes, wincing from raising her shoulder, and remembering the gash from the arrow. She would tend to it later. She looked up to meet Numair's tear filled eyes.</p><p>"Numair, what's wrong!?" She crossed to him reaching for his downturned face. Her movements were stopped when Numair swept her into his arms, crushing her to his body. She felt his entire body shake with a sob.</p><p>"Love, what is it?" Daine tried to keep her voice calm, but even she could hear the fear in her soft voice. She reached her right hand up, tangling her fingers into the mage's dark hair. His whole body shook.</p><p>"I don't think I can do this anymore…" Numair's voice cracked, and Daine felt the black fire of his magic rippling from him. He was so upset he was having trouble controlling himself. Daine knew that whatever it was that was causing her tall friend to cry was truly upsetting him. He never lost control of his magic easily.</p><p>"Numair, is everything all right? You're scaring me." She tried unsuccessfully to step back and look up into his face. Numair's arms tightened. His lips moved against her hair. "I…I can't do this Daine, I can't watch you disappear again, not knowing where you are, or when we will be back together again…." His voice caught, "knowing that you are going to be hurt." His voice was low, but Daine heard the anguish in his tone. "I can't Daine…I won't." His body shook with sobs, and his voice broke. She slid her hand down, her fingers grasping the back of his neck, and buried her head in his chest.</p><p>"I'm okay Numair," she whispered into the soft hair and bare skin exposed by the V in his tunic. She felt him stiffen.</p><p>"You're bleeding. You're bruised. You're thin." Black fire splintered the air around them and his voice steadied. She could feel his anger. "Jon and George can find another way to spy" he said flatly. He loosened his grip slightly, allowing her to turn her face upwards. His eyes glistened, as he bent his face to hers, taking possession of her lips. Daine felt her own tears surface, and attempted, without success, to hold them back.</p><p>Numair lifted her into his arms, cradling her against his chest. She felt her chest tighten, as sobs began racking through her body. She knew that she shouldn't cry, that it would just upset him more, but the months away had taken their toll. She felt his tears fall across her hair, and roll down her cheek, mingling with her own. Numair sat on the bed, rocking her slowly as they cried. His lips moved across her hair and forehead. She felt, more than heard, him say "I love you" over and over again until her sobs quieted.</p><p>When her body stopped shaking she again turned her face upwards to meet his, but his eyes were fixed on her right shoulder, and his fingers were gingerly exploring the gash from the arrow. She saw tears again well in his eyes, and the fear she saw in their depths steadied her.</p><p>"Love, I really am okay, I promise" she said, reaching her hand up to stop his movements, and intertwining her fingers with his own. She brought his hand to her lips and kissed it. His eyes told her he didn't believe her. "I'm not going to lie to you Numair, its been hard. I got grazed by an arrow, I haven't had a proper meal in two weeks, and odds bobs I need a bath… but I. AM. OKAY." She smiled precariously at him. "In fact, I am better than okay. Here, with you, I am about near perfect. Goddess, I've missed you."</p><p>He didn't look appeased, but bent down and kissed her again, his lips moving in desperation against her own. He broke away with some reluctance, but his grip on her only increased.</p><p>"I worry about you, all the time." He inhaled sharply. "It used to just be that I would only feel it at night. I used to lay awake and think about where you were, what you were doing, but now I can't think about anything else Daine." His black eyes glistened, but no tears fell. "I see all the demons in this world, they are so real, and I can't…I can't think about anything else." His hands quivered. "I can't think of anything but you being out there facing them alone." His hand tightened on her own. "I feel you, all the time, and I can't get a breath I am so frightened that you will never come back to me." The tears began to fall in earnest. "that I will never get to hold you, to kiss you, to tell you how much I love you again." His whole body was trembling now. "I can't do it anymore Daine…please." The last word came out pleading, and Daine felt her heart squeeze, skipping a beat.</p><p>She reached her hands to his face, her thumbs wiping at the tears pouring from his eyes. "Don't cry my love." She kissed his cheeks gently, and held his face steady in her palms, bringing his dark eyes to meet the blue grey of her own. "It doesn't matter where we are" she said. "It doesn't matter where we go…I know that I have you, and that you will always come back to me." She pressed her forehead to his own. "I know you hate the distance, I do as well, but when the demons come to life, I hold on to us." She pressed her lips to his. "Its what keeps me going" she caressed his face. "I will always come back to you…never doubt that."</p><p>His hands stroked her back, and he lifted her, gently laying her back on the sheets, and resting her dark curls against the pillow. She could see in his eyes that her words had done nothing to alleviate his fear. He reached down, pulling his shirt up over his head, exposing the well muscled swarthy skin beneath. His fingers fumbled slightly with the belt of his breaches, still trembling, but soon he was over her, leaning in, and taking her as his own.</p><p>Black fire speckled with white cracked through the air surrounding the bed. She didn't attempt to say any more. She knew that words were not what the Black Robe needed at this moment. Instead, she allowed him to calm himself by bringing him as close as possible, letting him show her how much he loved her. It didn't seem to ever be enough for him, but she felt the quivering of his hands begin to steady, and the fear in her calmed. She relaxed some, enjoying the reassurance of skin on skin, and the feel of being safe in his arms.</p><p>When they finished, he did not draw away, instead continuing to draw her closer, her entire body clasped in his grip. The room still glowed with his magic, but she could see that night had fallen outside the barracks. They had missed supper. She felt his heartbeat slow against her back. Just as she was giving way to her exhaustion, and allowing herself to surrender to the Dream King, she felt his breath warm against her neck. Her breath caught when she felt the caress of his lips as he whispered, "Magelet, I just can't."</p>
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